Loosing The Plot, Because I Can.
In this post, I intend to loose the plot, not because I want to, but because I need to.
I have held back because “people” read my blog, why the hell should I care? Its my blog and my space to scream, shout and loose my mind, after a rather strange few weeks I just need to.
I am sat here after my shower, with blurred vision, I had a go at shaving my legs,
toes and armpits, I have no idea how they look, however I tried my best as that is all I am left with.
I am left with doing what I can, whilst I can.
I have a cold, you might be thinking big deal, everyone get a cold? Well yes, true, however for me a cold means sleep, it means bed it could mean relapse, leading to another loss?
What will it pick next? Legs? Right eye? Speech? Hands?
I feel like giving up, I feel like finding someone to blame for who I have become, for the future I have.
The opticians for ignoring the “oddness” in my first eye test? The doctor for not listening when I told her I could not see? The lost notes for my first MRI?!
Whats the point? It wouldn’t have changed the end result, it wouldn’t have prevented the inevitable. I would still be like I am today. Right?
I want to shut out everyone around me, I want to be on my own, I want to understand?
Then I feel selfish, I cuddle Pop’s and look into Beboos eyes and see the only two things in life I am proud of, two little people who keep me here.
Have I ever wondered what the point is in carrying on? Yes I have, not going to lie, put yourself where I am, wondering how and why, having narrow minded people around me telling me karma put me here. Do I take it personally when someone describes me as a “sicko in the head?” Yes I do, because although illiterate, its true, my head is where the problem lies.
Its where the problem sits and lurks, waiting until it decides to strike.
I am tired and I want to rest, but I am woken by my back, I haven’t taken my tablets, I am in pain and forced to get up. I just want to rest.
Tired no longer means tired, it means exhaustion, exhaustion that keeps me awake when I just want to sleep.