I Am Not Ready…
Time Is going so fast, to be honest I never gave passed the baby stage a second thought. Because whilst I was pregnant everyone was going on about how I was “having a baby” I never realised that really, I was having an actual person.
She sure as hell has not stayed a baby forever.
Now she will soon be starting school and I am not ready.
Five days out of seven she will be somewhere else, not there for me to cuddle or to help me when I need it most, I am not ready.
I will no longer be her best friend, I am not ready.
She will have secrets, things she won’t tell me simply because she doesn’t want to and I am not ready.
I won’t be able to keep her with me because I need her, I am not ready.
There will be homework and school stuff to face, I am not ready.
She will learn all those things I never wanted her to learn, she will no longer see the world as a lovely, friendly place and I am not ready.
She will feel all sorts of emotions, from fear to happiness and I will not be there to share in each of these things, I won’t always be able to come in and save the day. I am not ready.
She will be able to tell me when I am wrong, because some other bloody person ‘said so’ and I have have no other choice but to admit defeat! I am not ready.
Most of all, she will see I am different, her Mum is not like the others and maybe that will make her sad or angry or even confused? Maybe she won’t want people to know Mummy is different, maybe she will hide it? For this, I am really not ready.
I never truly gave school a second thought whilst I was pregnant or pushing the little madam out, but now I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want her to go but I know she has to.
It’s just, I am not ready.