After the whole scan results thing, I am finding it so hard to find myself again. Before that day I was in a good place, for the first time in my life I was positive and it was just about me, not the disease, but now thats changed. Again.
I hate the way I can’t seem to find that person again.
I have done everything I was asked. I go every month and make the small talk. I listen to the statistics, risks and constant questions. I do it, I embraced it. But still, nothings changed.
I might be that much happier, but my head is just as mixed up as ever.
Or apparently more so.
Because now I forget. I forget the name, the answer or the question I was asking in the first place. I was looking through some old photos today, it was so nice to see memories. Pictures tell a story, you tend to snap something you want to remember forever. But I see photos and I don’t remember the story. I don’t remember how I was feeling at the time or why I even took the photo in the first place.
It’s just not there.
I see baby smiles from Pops, but I don’t remember the feeling of becoming her Mum. Becoming a Mum for the first time. I don’t remember how that felt.
I don’t remember the early months.
I used to have one of those memories that took in everything. The stupid things people would never think to remember. Now I don’t even recall the reason I wanted to save that memory.
I want to feel strong and determined, positive and powerful again. But I don’t.
And I don’t know how to get it back again….