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Forgetting How To Remember…

After the whole scan results thing, I am finding it so hard to find myself again. Before that day I was in a good place, for the first time in my life I was positive and it was just about me, not the disease, but now thats changed. Again.

I hate the way I can’t seem to find that person again.

Why?

I have done everything I was asked. I go every month and make the small talk. I listen to the statistics, risks and constant questions. I do it, I embraced it. But still, nothings changed.

Not really.

I might be that much happier, but my head is just as mixed up as ever.

Or apparently more so.

Because now I forget. I forget the name, the answer or the question I was asking in the first place. I was looking through some old photos today, it was so nice to see memories. Pictures tell a story, you tend to snap something you want to remember forever. But I see photos and I don’t remember the story. I don’t remember how I was feeling at the time or why I even took the photo in the first place.

It’s just not there. 

I see baby smiles from Pops, but I don’t remember the feeling of becoming her Mum. Becoming a Mum for the first time. I don’t remember how that felt.

I don’t remember the early months.

I used to have one of those memories that took in everything. The stupid things people would never think to remember. Now I don’t even recall the reason I wanted to save that memory.

I want to feel strong and determined, positive and powerful again. But I don’t.

And I don’t know how to get it back again….

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7 comments

  1. WallyMummy - February 3, 2014 8:50 pm

    Oh hunny x this is hard to read – if it is any consolation I think many mums (myself included) really struggle to remember the early days! I appreciate it must be worse for you though xx please don’t be sad x you are a brilliant mum and it’s right now that matters! xx

    Reply
    • Mummy - February 20, 2014 4:07 pm

      Thank you. BIg hugs. I just wish I could see it like I used to. Sometimes I wish I could go back, even for a day. xxx

      Reply
  2. Rocknrollerbaby - February 5, 2014 7:53 pm

    You poor, poor thing! I really am thinking of you.xxxx

    Reply
    • Mummy - February 8, 2014 4:01 pm

      Thank you chicky xx

      Reply
  3. Bewildered Bug - February 9, 2014 10:12 pm

    *hugs* lady – I love that you’re spectacular enough to share these private feelings with us. That must be really scary – to not be able to remember – but don’t worry, at some point it’ll come back and give you a smile….and I hope I’m around to share in your joy then!

    Reply
    • Mummy - February 20, 2014 4:06 pm

      That you lovely. This made me smile and remember xxxx

      Reply
  4. Donna Navarro - February 11, 2014 2:48 pm

    What a thought provoking post. I wish you well for the future from one mummy to another :)

    Reply

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