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Do You Ever Question Why?

I often wonder if I am alone in the whole questioning myself and why I was dealt this hand, my confusion and sadness has turned into an empty anger, so hard to understand, even for me. 

I look in the mirror and wonder why, why I am still here looking back at myself and what the hell is keeping me going?

Some might say all I need is my children, they should be enough and don’t get me wrong, they are my world. However they cannot make this stop, no matter how many smiles and cuddles I get. I also feel like a huge burden on them.

Right now I can happily live off my five day treatment, sitting and waiting for that massive low.

Although some people tell me I ‘inspire’  them, I really do not feel that way. I have become the person who makes the crude jokes, the one who does not think twice about what she is about to say and someone who finds herself caring less and less each day. 

Normal people talk about children and lack of sleep, I find myself leaning towards the people who talk about lumbar punctures and the loneliness of it all. People who understand even just a tiny bit how I feel.

A place where the phrase ” I’m tired” is not a pathetic excuse. Its real and its debilitating. 

I guess it gets me most when I have just done the housework, or attempted one third of it and I am exhausted. I have to rest, however my refusal to nap is becoming somewhat of a problem.

I hate sleeping the day away.

Sorry for the empty rant.

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4 comments

  1. Hannah Jenkins - May 9, 2013 7:15 pm

    Don’t apologise for feeling this way! I have crohn’s disease and I’ve had times when the endless setbacks and medication side effects have really got me down and made me want to give up on uni/work/everything. I’m really fortunate and grateful that my crohn’s is not as bad as some people have it, and I know it’s nowhere near as bad as having MS, but I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Don’t feel like a fraud because you inspire people but you don’t feel very positive about life at the moment. Just take comfort from the fact that you ARE inspiring people, you’re no fraud, and you don’t have to be sorry for getting depressed at times and feeling hopeless! I just hope you start to feel a bit happier soon, it sounds like you deserve it! Take care xx

    Reply
    • Mummy - May 12, 2013 7:38 pm

      Thank you so much for that lovely, it really does mean more than you could ever imagine. I guess sometimes I feel like I have to put on a front because people don’t want to see me falling apart, but sometimes its hard to hide xxx

      Reply
  2. Leora LaGraffw - May 19, 2013 8:08 pm

    I understand. I have MS too. I was finally diagnosed with RRMS just this past week and today is the 4th time ever, giving myself a Copaxone injection.

    I have been sick well over a decade, with a couple of primary care providers (military doctors) refusing to take my health concerns seriously. (Big problem in the military with misogyny and that extends even to many male doctors.)

    So I have been feeling awful all this time, with doctors suggesting it was purely psychogenic, and trying to keep up a normal life and failing at it.

    At least now I have a diagnosis and can tell those docs they were wrong.

    Oh, I’m from the US: I’m sure you have figured that out already.

    Sending you good wishes.

    Reply
    • Mummy - May 21, 2013 7:01 pm

      Know that feeling. I cannot find a way to fit it in my routine, ergh. Do you struggle?! xxx

      Reply

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