A Real Account – The Silent Assassin
So today and generally since the weekend, I have not been feeling too great. So I am going to be ultra boring and give you a run down of how I am feeling, which in turn gives you a little bit more info on my silent assassin.
For weeks, maybe months, I have been feeling a little more, well, even. Aside from a small blip, I have been simply living with it, in my not so quiet way.
All was quiet on the MS front, daily symptoms aside.
I seem to have been lulled into a false sense of security. See really, in the MS world, quiet is never really good. It means something is going on and some plotting is happening up in that head of mine.
Needless to say, I will never be so complacent again, well, I’ll try?
Its hard not to enjoy the silence, to savour every smile and giggle, to live because you want to and not because you have to.
I’ll be honest, complacent is easy, its simple to understand.
Today I have been far from even. I pulled my finger out of my ass and finally made that difficult call to the Doctors. Not difficult emotionally, difficult in the ‘they are useless’ kind of way.
Today I felt frightened, wordless and annoyed.
I want sympathy because I am sick of dealing with it, however I feel guilt for needing a cuddle as people, family have been ‘dealing’ with this, with me for as long as I have.
I ache, so much. From my eyes to my legs, the relentlessness just makes the distress worse.
I don’t trust my body, not because I am feeble, but because it never quite feels like it should.
For the first time in a while, whilst I write, I am sat here, in silence. I am listening to nothing, however like my head, an empty sound doesn’t always mean quiet. The whole world is still moving outside the window, I just can’t hear it.