24
Jul

I Want Another Baby

Let me start by saying, I already know how this post will end.

I just hope I am not alone in getting to that ending.

The girls are growing so fast. I know its a total cliche, but they really do grow up before your very eyes. 

I can still remember leaving the hospital with Liv and feeling like my undercarriage was falling out.

I can still remember holding them both in my arms for the very first time. The way they smelt and looked so perfect and innocent.

My girls.

But now they are 3 and 6. Now they don’t lie still, they don’t love cuddles, they don’t like to be sniffed and snuggled.

Nope.

Now they like to make noise, create chaos and make their presence very well known.

Don’t get me wrong, I love how they are now. But part of me misses those little babies. 

Part of me knows I can have one. I have all the right parts still. Just a little, well, looser?

I could just completely shake up our normal and do it all again.

I really could.

But I can’t.

I know the effects it would have on my MS, which in turn affects the whole family. I would be even less normal than I am now.

I couldn’t face the endless nights awake and I couldn’t let Ben do it all alone. My poor husband has enough to deal with.

I couldn’t suddenly stop all my medication and expect to be okay. And I couldn’t spend as much time going to appointments as I do now with a baby in tow.

As much as every part of me wants just one more. 

Equally those parts don’t.

It just wouldn’t work.

So yeah. I do want another baby. But I also couldn’t think of anything more debilitating to do to this family.

We will have to stay this way…

family

02
Jul

Why I Stopped Writing

This blog has been pretty quiet for some time.

As far as personal posts go.

And I don’t have any real explanations for this because I just don’t know.

I lost my voice. For so many reasons.

I wanted to shut the computer and forget I had put my life out online.

I went to memory classes to try and get my voice back.

Nothing.

I didn’t feel it, I couldn’t feel it. 

As far as my MS goes, it’s a lot slower with my Tysabri. But it is still progressing more. Slowly taking little things without me even noticing.

I felt like no one cared what I had to say.

Who am I anyway?

Who am I so sit and type out my life online?

I’m boring.

Then I worried about my content.

I have multiple sclerosis. And I am not shy about it. I want to talk about it.

Not for sympathy.

Not for people to feel sorry for me, I hate that.

But for the people like me, who feel alone. Who feel like they are abnormal.

Scared.

Frustrated.

Fearful.

I started this to help people like me. People who have a future but have no idea how it will pan out.

We can’t make plans, we can’t have dreams.

Both of these are normally dashed at the last minute.

So we live day to day.

We sit quietly and get on with the pain. Desperate to know we are not alone. 

I started this to make more people aware of MS and what it’s like to live a life with a degenerative disease.

It might not be glamorous.

It’s certainly not easy, but normal people, people like you, need to know.

You might have a friend with MS who is perfectly fine. And that is fabulous. But for most that is not reality.

We might tell you we are fine. But that is because we don’t want to bore you with todays list of symptoms.

Or a new fear that has resurfaced.

We just carry on.

I stopped writing through fear.

Fear of the disease.

Fear of people thinking I want sympathy.

Fear of people judging me

Fear of people just not caring.

Fear of waking up tomorrow having not made the most of yesterday.

But I can’t live in fear anymore.

I want to write.

I want to vlog.

I want to document our lives so my kids can read back and see I loved them. See what I was going through when I was singing nursery rhymes or playing tag.

To give them strength and hope.

I need to stand up and stop living in fear. I need to live for the now.

So if I should wake up tomorrow with the loss of my legs or arms, I can know I lived the hell out of the life I was given.

So there you have it…

miss

30
Jun

LEAPFROG Princess Party

We love leapfrog, the kids are always excited to try their new toys, books and much more, and admittedly I am too. We were lucky enough to be able to have a Princess party with Leapfrog to spread the fun to our friends and family. We had an afternoon, mainly playing on the LeapTV, which all the girls LOVED.

Leap frog stuff

We received some amazing things from Leapfrog, including a LeapTV With Princess Sophia game, A Leappad 3 with princess maths (big favourite) Four stunning dresses and some accessories for the girls.  A Leapfrog reader with several books and some party bits to make them feel extra special. We had someone pull out last minute, however towards the end of our party we had some friends come round, who were adults, who had as much fun playing the games as the kids!

I took great pleasure in laying everything out all nice.

I think it was the Princess in me!

LeapF Party 1

Eve and I got ready for the party when daddy went to get the other Princesses from a long day at school!

LeapF 2

Soon everyone was here and after having a quick play with the LeapPad 3 each, they were all so excited to play with the LeapTV together.

Now I think Princess Sophia was aimed at slightly older children than Eve, but Liv and her friend got the hang of it pretty fast. They were soon wandering around the village and on their flying horses. They soon discovered the LeapTV comes with son pre-loaded games. One is a Tamagotchi style game where you can look after and play with a pet.

Eve LOVED this game, as did our slightly older guests, we were all soon joining in with the washing and jumping.

After a long day at school getting the girls to sit down and read was impossible, however later on in the evening was sat down with the leapreader and read some princess stories. I sent a leapreader and book home with a guest so she could join in too.

Overall we had an amazing time, even grown adults enjoyed the games and kids tech. Its no surprise LeapFrog as a brand is a huge favourite.

Take a look at the pink madness……

lepaf 3

Thank you LeapFrog, We Love You!!!!

25
Mar

I’m On One!

It’s true. I am totally on one with moving house and having everything new.

We have saved hard and now I am on a tangent making sure everything we have is new, nice, ours.

Maybe it’s to start again?

I mean, can you start a fresh with old stuff reminding you of the past?

Or is it just the environment?

I don’t know, but I do know I am so desperate to have everything perfect, just so, so we can make new memories and forget the old, painful ones.

I have so much running around in my mind. So much I need to make sure I can do.

But our new home needs to be just that, new.

No more fighting with my surroundings, feeling uncomfortable in my own home. We finally have somewhere we can live happily.

We can enjoy the outdoors, indoors and everything in-between.

I am so thankful I have an amazing family. They are using their own time to make our home perfect, they are putting it first. I cannot really tell them how thankful we are. It just wouldn’t be enough.

So, this is really happening. We are going forward and starting fresh somewhere new.

I will leave you with a picture of the girls exploring the new garden…

the girls

 

18
Mar

I’m Having Trouble Detaching

Ninny’s op taught me something.

It taught me that I can be “that mum” The one who calms, comforts and looks into a beautiful but incredibly red and inflamed eye and sees the beauty and promises it will all be okay.

Because it will. I will make sure of it.

livs

But now every time I look at her, especially when she gets sad, I see this.

Then I remember how I felt when I had to wrangle her to sleep. Each wriggle pulling her in closer, each cough wanting to smack the mask away.

Then I get all upset. Worried. Guilty.

I hate it when she’s not with me. It feels horrid. I want to know where she is and exactly what she is doing. If she’s okay. Happy.

I want to try and turn it off a little. Be less anal.

To let go of her hand and not feel that horrible pain I felt when I placed her poor little self on the bed.

I worry at every grumble, cry or itch.

I just want her to be okay. Happy. No more double vision or eye drops.

When I got up on Friday morning I felt for sure Daddy would be the chosen one for the day. He would be the hero as always. Cause he’s strong and brave.

But it was my turn. And now I can’t go back to “normal”