25
Mar

I’m On One!

It’s true. I am totally on one with moving house and having everything new.

We have saved hard and now I am on a tangent making sure everything we have is new, nice, ours.

Maybe it’s to start again?

I mean, can you start a fresh with old stuff reminding you of the past?

Or is it just the environment?

I don’t know, but I do know I am so desperate to have everything perfect, just so, so we can make new memories and forget the old, painful ones.

I have so much running around in my mind. So much I need to make sure I can do.

But our new home needs to be just that, new.

No more fighting with my surroundings, feeling uncomfortable in my own home. We finally have somewhere we can live happily.

We can enjoy the outdoors, indoors and everything in-between.

I am so thankful I have an amazing family. They are using their own time to make our home perfect, they are putting it first. I cannot really tell them how thankful we are. It just wouldn’t be enough.

So, this is really happening. We are going forward and starting fresh somewhere new.

I will leave you with a picture of the girls exploring the new garden…

the girls

 

18
Mar

I’m Having Trouble Detaching

Ninny’s op taught me something.

It taught me that I can be “that mum” The one who calms, comforts and looks into a beautiful but incredibly red and inflamed eye and sees the beauty and promises it will all be okay.

Because it will. I will make sure of it.

livs

But now every time I look at her, especially when she gets sad, I see this.

Then I remember how I felt when I had to wrangle her to sleep. Each wriggle pulling her in closer, each cough wanting to smack the mask away.

Then I get all upset. Worried. Guilty.

I hate it when she’s not with me. It feels horrid. I want to know where she is and exactly what she is doing. If she’s okay. Happy.

I want to try and turn it off a little. Be less anal.

To let go of her hand and not feel that horrible pain I felt when I placed her poor little self on the bed.

I worry at every grumble, cry or itch.

I just want her to be okay. Happy. No more double vision or eye drops.

When I got up on Friday morning I felt for sure Daddy would be the chosen one for the day. He would be the hero as always. Cause he’s strong and brave.

But it was my turn. And now I can’t go back to “normal”

 

14
Mar

The Operation

So yesterday Ninny went in for her operation on her eye. She has been waiting ages. Every time we had a reason we couldn’t go. Important family events, illness and all sorts of unusual things that just came along at the wrong time.

So when we got a call about a cancelation on Thursday for the very next day, we didn’t really have a choice. We had to go for it.

Grab the bull by the horns so to speak.

So that’s just what we did. Woke up at 6am on Friday by a very excited Ninny. She had her special hospital bear from “the hospital” (me) ready, so it was all systems go.

The day went without a hitch. She chose me to take her down for sedation. Which I totally didn’t expect. I was ready for her to be all about Daddy, but it was a Mummy day.

I think we were both secretly terrified walking down to the room. I sat on a tiny chair and placed my giant 6 year old on my lap (she is not a baby anymore. I can guarantee you that much) My arms don’t work well these days, so I was worried I wouldn’t be able to carry her across. And as the gas took longer and longer, I was worried I would let go altogether.

But I didn’t. I held her closer as the gas got closer. She wriggled, but that was something they had warned us about. His hand was holding the gas right underneath her nose but she was still not out. It was replaced with a mask and I watched her slowly drift off. Still coughing from the gas. She went floppy and I was asked to place her on the bed.

Then told to kiss her goodbye. It was the hardest kiss goodbye yet. I was trusting her life with someone else. My little baby looked so genuinely helpless.

I walked out crying, then cried for a further 10 minutes.

The waiting was horrid. Truly awful. All I wanted was to see her smiley mush.

45 minutes and we were finally called to recovery.

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She looked so helpless. She woke up for a few seconds but drifted back off quickly. We wheeled her through and we let her sleep. The young boy previous had broken down when he woke up. I was terrified of Ninny doing the same. How would I cope? I wouldn’t cope. I would stand back and let Ben take over.

But I didn’t.

I pulled up my big girl pants and my Mumness took over. She was far less shouty than he was, but she had slept for far longer.

I cannot tell you how amazing it was to be able to kiss her again. Still today we watched a film together and I didn’t let her go the whole time.

Her eye is still very inflamed and she’s still seeing double. So we are taking it easy.

Ninny decided she wanted to do a video diary, so please give them a watch. People I talk to now don’t remember the eye op they had as a child, but Ninny can, and other people can see what it entails.



08
Mar

The Half Term Holiday

It’s been a while. Which is something I am working on. But in my defense. The last few weeks have been busy, I have some amazing news which I will reveal soon and I think we are set to get busier. So I have taken to recording our little adventures (which are mostly from the sofa)

So please what the video, subscribe to my channel and if you like it, give it a cheeky thumbs up?